Searching For Home


For the past few days, i have been watching DVDs through my computer.

Patch Adams, Slumdog Millionaires, The Forgotten, The Messenger – Story of Joan Of Arc, 127hrs, Tron, Ultramarines.  These are the movies that i have spent my time watching for the past 3 days. Great movie especially Patch Adams, The Messenger and Slumdog Millionaires are worth watching multiple times.  Movies are made for entertainment but it does consist of valuable lessons that can be learn from.

Feeling tired and not wanting to do anything. I took my medication but the thing is i felt even more lethargic. My Diarrhoea didn’t stop and 2 days ago, i starting to feel cold and headache. Went to see GP and i discovered that my BP was 160/90 and my temperature was 38.o Degree Celsius.

GP says i was having stomach flu. Hmmm, i highly doubt so. I just think that he gave me the wrong treatment because i didn’t have any gastric nor vomiting. Still, he prescribed a ton of medication for me. I think it’s more than 5 type of drug on top of my daily medication for my depression.

Jee, I’m only 22 years old and i had to eat so many medicine. I felt miserable, not because of the medicines but NO ONE CARES OR KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME.

Not even my sister, my dad and my beloved mum. My mum thought that i was being lazy for work since i’m cheerful and normal. Guess my medication is doing its job.

Maybe it’s my mistake to pretend but does it take a ton of effort to give me some concern. Haiz, I’m really just a tool. They’re only nice to me when they need something from me. Like my mum the other time where she need someone to be guarantor.

I’m stuck at home, feeling like shet. Literally. No one cares and the one thing that connects me to the social world is my co-worker who is being a dick. Can’t blame him for being rigid, stupid and *knows it all*, 80/20 rule applies for people too (80% of the people in this world are being like that, wonder if i’m included). I just want to quit my job but when i think again, i have bills to pay and need to support myself. The consultation, medication and my future education is something i have to think of thus i just can’t act based on my impulse or emotion.

I realized that I WAS SEARCHING FOR HOME all this while.

Home is a final destination where one can attain happiness, joy, peace and safe like what Patch Adam had described.

If only Pam was there for me, at least by looking at her face makes me feel peace and makes my problems go away.

Just like everyone else, she left me alone for good.

All i have now is her precious book that i promised to protect and her picture.

The thing is, i have no mood for anything else. I’m just hoping that God knows my misery and I’ll be glad to be with Him rather than being like this.


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